My previous blog When Leaders Are Too Empathic examined what happens when leaders take empathy too far. Now, I ask, ‘What do empaths and narcissists have in common?’

What if I told you that narcissistic behaviour and exaggerated empathy are merely different forms of the same root problem? On the surface, this seems highly unlikely, even impossible. Empaths are kind, narcissists are not. Empaths care deeply about the predicament of others, narcissists care only in order to further their personal ambitions. Empaths are yielding, narcissists are dominating.

Narcissism in its developed forms (such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder), has many causes. The same could be said for those who are excessively empathic. Psychologists are still figuring it out. But, as is often the case, the fruit reveals the root.

Narcissists present as confident persons – too confident in fact. They see themselves as highly competent and intelligent people, vastly superior to others. They are quick-witted, always ready with a cutting retort or a gas-lighting response. Their instant responses are effective in wrong-footing their opponents and demolishing those who are less ruthless, more self-reflective and just not so nasty.

Highly-developed empaths, on the other hand, lack confidence and are inclined to give others the benefit of the doubt to the detriment of themselves. What others say is more important than their own opinions. All this makes those with strong empathic traits easy prey for narcissistic snares.
Take a look at the following conversation between a narcissist and an empath in a conflict situation.

NARCISSCIST – “What you’re saying is just wrong. You’re accusations are false.”
EMPATH – “I’m not accusing you. I’m just saying that you’re actions seem to me to be unreasonable.”
NARCISSCIST – “I’m not responsible for what you’re thinking. That’s down to you.”

What is happening here? The empath is trying to confront unacceptable behaviour coming from the narcissist. The response is not fair or rational. The narcissist is right and no other version of events is worth considering.

The empath is being gentle and reasonable. But, rather than responding in an equally reasonable way, the narcissist exploits this as a weakness. The narcissist has the facts and cannot be contradicted. Any other point of view is just subjective opinion. After all, the narcissist can never be wrong. To be wrong is to risk an existential crisis. That’s why narcissists must win every argument and are totally unscrupulous in debate. Those who threaten their supremacy are immediately repudiated and their arguments scornfully dismissed.

Narcissists have a wide range of other ready-made and equally gas-lighting responses. What’s more, they relish interaction with empaths. They view them as psychological snack food, a cheap source of energy for an instant ego boost.

Above-the-surface we observe two entirely different patterns of behaviour coming from two distinctive personalities. But when we look more deeply, we begin to see a striking similarity.

The roots of both narcissistic and exaggerated empathic behaviours are exactly the same. It has to do with fear. The deeply-held fear or suspicion of being personally unlovable and/or incompetent. How this fundamental fear is dealt with practically, determines either narcissistic or empathic patterns of behaviour. At both ends of the spectrum we find people with serious relational problems.

The empath’s fear of having no real worth as a person leads to a life of excessive niceness and consideration of others. He or she is trying to find self-worth by being affirmed by others. On the other hand, the narcissist deals with the same fear by hiding behind a bold exterior front framed by excessive self-confidence and self-belief. The fear is denied and therefore never faced.

Both narcissism and excessive empathy are learned strategies of psychological compensation, never dealing with the fundamental fear of lack of self-worth.

We all have the same propensity to love and defend our ‘self-life’. This is obvious in narcissism. But the irony is that a person who exhibits excessive empathy may be as self-obsessed as the proverbial narcissist.

This presents particular problems for leaders in a church setting. How do we deal with the problem of narcissism in the pulpit? How do we help those on the other side of the coin who are slaves of niceness?

Self-evidently, we must be on our guard against narcissism. This form of ambition, not to mention ruthlessness, often leads to outward success, provided the public presentations skillfully cover the real personality lurking beneath. But not all successful church leaders are of the narcissistic type. Many advance by being empathic and shining as beacons of compassion, despite the underlying selfish motivation.

A person who exhibits excessive empathy may be as self-obsessed as the proverbial narcissist.

Tackling these problems in church leadership begins with selection and training, which must be based in radical discipleship. I contend that more inner work is needed from the very beginning of the discipleship process. It calls for insightful analysis and healthy soul-searching in the context of a biblical understanding of human personality.

Jesus, the supreme wisdom teacher in the Bible says,

“Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it” (Luke 9:24, ESV).

Jesus calls his followers to a God-centred rather than a self-centred orientation in life. It can only happen from the inside out, from the transformation of our inner selves. Quite simply, we must lose our old selves and embrace our new selves, the selves we were originally created to be, which have now been recreated in Christ. All the ethical requirements of New Testament Christianity depend on this prior act of God’s inner recreation. Working this out in personality growth and behavioural change is a life-long agenda, but it begins the day we yield to Christ as Saviour and Lord.

Both narcissists and empaths need to renounce the self in a way they have never done before. Superficial conversion does not reach as deep as that, but this is where everything begins. We face the fact that we can do nothing to deserve God’s love or merit his acceptance. Rather than finding ways of compensating for this realisation, we must flee to Christ in whose eyes we are people of inestimable value and worth and, as new creations in Christ, empowered to live impactful lives. These biblical revelations must become deeply lodged in our hearts in life-changing and personality-transforming ways.

This does not mean we live without struggles. Profound personality issues are not easily resolved. But, once we see ourselves in Christ, we overcome our fear and can begin to reflect this reality beginning first with how we see God, then how we see ourselves and, finally, how we see others. We are set free from self-obsession and are ready to face life without the self aggrandisement of a narcissist or the self-suffocation that comes through adopting a life of exaggerated empathy.

Church Matters Series

Empathy is a good thing – the capacity to see and understand the perspective of another person. That is something I, for one, would like to see in a Christian leader. I would like those who consider themselves to be leaders and who profess to be carers of my spiritual life and custodians of my spiritual gifts, to at the very least to be empathic people. Before they make any decisions or issue any pronouncements about me, I would like them to have spent time to understand me, to have first enquired and then imagined what it was to walk even a couple of miles in my shoes. This kind of empathy is always good, even if it may, from time to time, lead to painful correction or tough love.

Empathy and compassion are closely-linked, but they are not the same. Compassion is far stronger than empathy. It drives you to do something about the suffering of another. Compassion is empathy plus wise practical action and it pulls no punches.

I’m sure all will agree that empathy and compassion are basic requirements of spiritual leaders, and ought also to be the aspiration of all decent human beings.

But there is another dimension to this. Can empathy be carried too far? In my experience and observation of church life over the last 5 decades, the answer is, yes. Let me give you some examples.

• When it causes burnout
  Leaders who are overly empathic tend to give out and keep giving out until there’s nothing left to give. They run out of resources – emotional and otherwise. An exaggerated sense of empathy can lead to ‘saviour syndrome’, the belief that it all depends on you. Neglect of yourself, your family and alone time with God leads to a tragic exhaustion of personal resources. Tragic because the energy you expend on others is a renewable resource, if you know how to pace yourself. The priority of self-care is highlighted every time you watch the airline crew give the safety demonstration. They always point out you must don your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others with theirs.
• When it leads to loss of individual identity
  Many leaders who overdo empathy soon find their identity enmeshed in their ministry. Your identity is what you bring to ministry. Ministry can never be the source of your identity. Get this wrong and the otherwise admirable quality of your empathy will rob you of the clarity or presence of mind you need to lead others. The ability to take a firm stand for what you believe and to act decisively in the best interests of those you serve.

  End up there, and you will have lost your ability to do any real or lasting good to anyone, including yourself.

• When it traps you into abusive relationships
  Self-absorbed, narcissistic and abusive people lock onto super empathic leaders and use them as fodder for their selfish egos. There is a growing awareness of the phenomenon of spiritual abuse directed against church members, but we ought to recognise that members can also abuse their spiritual leaders. An over-empathic leader can easily succumb to manipulative demands, be battered by cruel criticism and be run into the ground by the unrealistic expectations of some of their members. I can bring to mind several horrendous cases where ministries have been shipwrecked on the rocks of membership cruelty, directed not just to themselves but, more painfully, also to their families.
• When it re-enforces irresponsible behaviour
  If empathic leaders do not check their desire always to please those whom they serve, they can end up enabling the very behaviour they are supposed to confront and correct. We are always to bind up the broken-hearted and to give attention to the weak and the hurting. But this does not mean that as leaders we give into to every demand people make on us. There comes a time when we can no longer absolve people of their responsibility to correct their own behaviour and discipline themselves into the ways that lead to their own freedom.

So much for the problems caused by taking empathy too far. What about some solutions? In the next blog I will address the below-the-surface issues that often manifest in problem empathy. But for now, here are some simple, but effective pointers:

• Draw your boundaries
  For some, this means re-drawing boundaries that have failed to protect. Others may never had any boundaries in the first place. Either way, it is very difficult to put correctives in place midway in the relationship between care-givers and care-receivers. But it is essential to correct any imbalance that has been allowed to set in. Frank and open conversations must take place, together with admission of faulty pastoring while establishing clear and agreed-upon new ways of doing things.
• Be willing to be disagreeable
  The word ‘no’ can be shocking to those who’ve never heard it from you before. They may respond in a highly negative manner, even accusing you of not caring and not being willing to fulfil your duty. This can be devastating to those who lean towards over-empathising. Every leader must learn to have the right level of disagreeableness, otherwise they will become weak and ineffective in ministry. Their job is not to be liked by everybody all the time. Rather, it is to lead people into God’s best for their lives, even if people do not see it at the time.
• Be prepared suffer loss in the short term
  It is almost inevitable that people will be offended at your new stance, but you must hold firm. Some will threaten you and find ways of punishing you for not meeting their expectations. Be patient with them. After all, you are partly to blame for re-enforcing those expectations in the first place, by not exposing them as unreasonable. Some will be sure to leave. After all, that’s the surest way of hitting back. But, if the leader has been clear, communicated compassionately and behaved correctly during the re-setting process, there is nothing to fear from some temporary losses. They will be far outweighed by the long term gains for both leaders and members.

In the next article, I will examine some beneath-the-surface issues by asking, ‘What do narcissistic leaders and empathic leaders have in common?’

Church Matters Series

Colin with Harare Cell Conference Delgates

The believers were emboldened and release after a time of feeling the oppressive weight of their circumstances and recent difficulties. There was a strong sense of unity and hunger for the freedom from structures and traditions that bind.

Word Life Ministries, Church, Hatfield, Harare

The Sunday morning service was held at the Hatfield centre where Word Life Ministries has a worship centre – basically a shed-like structure, as they wait on the Lord for his provision of a permanent building.

The Hatfield Church

The people are hungry for God and are holding firm despite many casualties of the Covid Lockdown. Many churches have lost members to other ministries and to the world. There is a sense of re-pioneering in the air.

The pastors, Chivimbisu and Clara Ngowe are stalwarts and filled with vision. They have next to no resources and the people they are reaching are poor, or without substantial income.

Colin, Bishop and Pastor Ngowe

Follow Up
A group has been formed of those wanting to develop the Cell Vision. They keep contact through WhatsApp and that is a vehicle we can use to provide on-going teaching and mentoring.

There is a need for the cell publications and other books helpful to the ministry. We must explore means of inexpensive transportation of bulk quantities of books. This is urgent.

They are already talking about another conference next year, and if I do respond to this desire, I would like to have a small team with me, so that we can diversify the sessions and perhaps do a mini encounter with the church.

PRAY FOR THIS ON-GOING MISSION

Join Colin, Amanda and Team for a powerful evening of ministry.

CHAOS, COSMOS & KINGDOM
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Prophecy
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YOU ARE RECEIVING A KINGDOM THAT CANNOT BE SHAKEN

Colin, Amanda & Ministry Team host an Apostolic & Prophetic Evening of Celebration and Ministry in the prestigious
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All confusion and division in church life is almost certainly the result of false and demonically-motived wisdom.

Drawing from the wisdom traditions of the Bible, James 3:13-18Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbour bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness (James 3:13-18, NIV). describes two forms of wisdom: demonic and divine. Rooted in narcissistic envy and selfish ambition, demonic wisdom produces disorder and division in church communities. Divine wisdom is rooted in purity of heart and grows from humility and genuine love of others. There is no place here for ego-driven malpractice.

Churches should be ever-vigilant and hold their leaders accountable to the standards of true wisdom:

The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness (James 3:17-18 NIV).

The whole leadership enterprise, from ministerial training and selection to monitoring and discipline, should be governed by the wisdom insights of James. The shocking thing is that leaders may consider themselves to be both spiritual and wise but actually be in the grip of a soulish and demonic spirit of self-promotion.

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice (James 3:16 NIV).

Accountability becomes difficult when churches are established on false models of ministry. Viewed as having special powers of a semi-mystical nature, pastors and leaders are placed on near idolatrous pedestals. It’s not rocket science to see what kind of person could be attracted to and affirmed by such a leadership position. Ambitious competitiveness in ministry is the very worldly wisdom that James condemns. In this scenario, the servant-leadership model of Jesus is easily left behind.

If ever there was proof of the need for a New Reformation in the church, this is it.

Cronyism and self-interest can be potent factors, with few corrective checks and balances in place. Vested interests must be guarded. Closing-ranks to protect the institution is all too often the default position. Results-based evaluations can cover up malpractice. If a church looks like it’s flourishing, then it must be flourishing, right?

The consequences are devastating, but not always obvious from the outset. The true motivations of a leader’s heart are only gradually exposed. Congregations are prone to believe platform-based performances. Self-promotion is presented as the promotion of Christ. Manipulative behaviours operate beneath a veneer of benevolence. Ingratiation sets in and the popularity cult is underway – perfect conditions for dominance and authoritarianism to thrive.

Leaders, high on assertiveness and low on servant-hearted humility, soon begin to manifest abuse.

Those who see through the deception may refuse to participate in the charade, but they are soon dealt with. The order is clear. First intimidation, then isolation and finally exclusion. All this can happen with the acquiescence of those who ought to know better, but are too embroiled in the dispute to admit what is really taking place.

When things continue to regress, factions appear. Division sets in, with groups spiritually-warring one against the other. New alliances are struck with those for and those against a particular individual or group in open argument. And, all the while, our enemy rubs his hands in a demonic glee worthy of a mention by C.S. Lewis in his Screwtape Letters. There are no other victors. Church members are hit the worst. Caught in the crossfire, they become so disheartened that they simply vote with their feet. Many find it difficult to trust spiritual leaders after that.

Re-establishing peace in a troubled community will entail deep dependence on God. The only hope is for all concerned to embrace humility and repentance, and to return to the wisdom that is motivated by true spirituality. Then, and only then, disciples of Christ can grow, be fruitful and live healthy lives in a community truly ordered by the Holy Spirit.

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbour bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness (James 3:13-18, NIV).

Church Matters Series

CHURCH IS ABOUT COMMUNITY

Today, society is being divided into ever-increasing numbers of identity groups. This is part of a greater political agenda to sow seeds of discord and discontent in order to impose politically-correct agendas on us all.

In the midst of this confusion and chaos a dynamic and counter-cultural movement is on the rise. This is a movement of Christian communities committed to a more transcendent vision. That is the vision of Christ and his Kingdom. This is the only approach to church that can withstand these pressures coming from contemporary society.

Thankfully, more and more Christians are returning to the original vision of what church is all about. And that is sincere followers of Jesus from the whole of society gathering in true community where the focus is on a genuine relationship with God and one another.

CHURCH IS ABOUT PEOPLE

Church is not about top-down, tightly-controlled structures which tend toward authoritarianism. It is about Spirit-filled people serving one another and their neighbours in the wider community.

Many traditional churches still follow a broken model of ministry that is:

• Platform-led
• Personality-driven
• Performance-oriented
• Programme-based

But more and more believers today are rejecting the superficial in favour of the genuinely-spiritual, the heart of Christian life and fellowship. They see themselves not just as pew-fodder but as an active community of spiritually-connected members of Christ’s body where he is the only attraction.

Together in true Christian community, they take responsibility to build one another up and to represent Christ to the world. They do not idolise human leaders or human church structures but focus on their role as salt and light in society. They follow church leaders who draw attention away from themselves toward Christ and his mission in the world.

Churches and denominations are being shaken today. This is a fresh opportunity for us all to build our lives and our churches on the vision of Christ. We are under pressure from society to conform to the patterns of the world. Therefore, we must focus on Jesus, not on those who try to take his place. We are called to follow the Holy Spirit, not the fleshly impositions of human beings.

It is time for us all to seriously engage with what it truly means to be and to do church in the world of today.

Church Matters Series

When you look at this picture, what do you see? Look again, carefully.

Obviously, it’s a glass filled to overflowing. That’s positive, surely? “My cup overflows”, said David, the one-time shepherd boy who became one of the most celebrated kings in Ancient Israel. God pours his abundant blessing upon his children even beyond their capacity to receive. For me, this is a reminder that I should do everything I can to enlarge my personal capacity and be trusted by God for what I do receive. If I continue to overflow, it ought to be for the benefit of others. In that sense, having more than enough for myself is a good thing.

But that is not what drew me to this image in the first place. It highlights a serious problem I have observed and personally experienced in church life. And that’s the way God is being limited to the size and shape of the human structures we give him to work with.

Jesus spoke of the need for new wineskins for the new wine of the Kingdom. The old, fragile and brittle structures of the religion of his day were totally incapable of containing what Jesus had come to inaugurate. To attempt to re-use old wineskins for the wine of the new season is not only an inadequate response, it is also tragic. In Jesus’ analogy, the wine bottles made from animal skins were useful only once. Old wineskins already stretched to capacity, simply could not contain the new vintage that expanded during the maturing process. They would simply burst and the wine would be lost.

Despite this warning from the lips of Jesus, every generation seems to make the same mistake. We think the organisational structures we build to contain the Holy Spirit are sacrosanct. We treat them as ever-enduring. Perhaps they once were adequate containers as we attempted to steward a particular move of the Spirit. But they are never more valuable than the wine itself.

Structures are important. There’s no escaping them. It’s our responsibility to build them. But it is also our responsibility to make sure that they do not limit what God has given and what God is doing.

If, at any point in time, we discover our structures cannot handle the greater things, or the newer things God is introducing, it is time to change them. This applies to what God is doing through individual ministries as well as through corporate bodies such as church communities and denominational organisations.
I have seen great ministries curtailed or worse, destroyed simply because the structures that were imposed upon them were wholly inadequate. History is also a testimony to previously dynamic movements becoming empty and dead monuments for the same reason.

It is time to stop trying to contain the work of the Holy Spirit. God is on the move and we must move with him.

Church Matters Series

Jesus said, “he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him.” This aspect of God’s love is conditional.

God’s Rewarding Love

This blog series ends with one final aspect of God’s love – his rewarding love. We have seen that God unconditionally set his love upon everyone he created. The blessings of God’s ongoing Providential love rest unconditionally upon all humanity, without exception. He also demonstrated his Invitational love by sending Christ to die for the sins of the world, so that whosoever believes may have eternal life. In this way, God’s Saving love is conditional upon us opening up and receiving his love.

God has also established relationship with his people through what we call his Covenantal love. The initiative his entirely his, but to enjoy the blessings of the covenant we must respond with believing loyalty and obedience. This aspect is clearly conditional.

The answer to the question, “Is God’s love conditional or unconditional?”, is that it’s both. Both elements apply to God’s Rewarding love. God’s prior love of his people is unconditional. He chose to set his love on us without any precondition or merit on our part. But to enjoy the rewards of this love we must sincerely respond to it. Having received God’s love simply by faith, we go on to enjoy the blessings of relationship with him by being faithful to him in all things.

Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.”  Judas (not Iscariot) said to him, “Lord, how is it that you will manifest yourself to us, and not to the world?” Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. Whoever does not love me does not keep my words. And the word that you hear is not mine but the Father’s who sent me ( John 14:21-24 ESV).

Loving obedience to God brings the promise of increasing intimacy and proximity to him. He dwells with the faithful, manifesting himself to us, and not to the world. This is why people who do not yet know Jesus sometimes find it difficult to believe God really loves them. 

Maybe you have prayed to God asking him to bless your health, your job, your relationships or your finances. But when things don’t work out as you want, you immediately doubt his love.

The secondary things of life are never the measure of God’s love. Those who truly give themselves to Christ and long for more of him will naturally pursue him and seek to please him in all things. That’s the proper response to God’s love. The most precious love we can offer God is to trust him in all circumstances of life. 

Bad things sometimes happen to good people and good things to bad people. Therefore, God’s love and displeasure are not easily discerned through our circumstances. He disciplines those he loves. The love of God is never removed from his people, but it can be restrained. If we displease the Lord, his response is one of rebuke and chastening. He restrains but never removes his love. 

However, God’s reward and blessing is with those who fear him. The Lord rewards those who diligently seek him, walking in his wisdom. And the ultimate reward is the gift of himself.