My previous blog When Leaders Are Too Empathic examined what happens when leaders take empathy too far. Now, I ask, ‘What do empaths and narcissists have in common?’

What if I told you that narcissistic behaviour and exaggerated empathy are merely different forms of the same root problem? On the surface, this seems highly unlikely, even impossible. Empaths are kind, narcissists are not. Empaths care deeply about the predicament of others, narcissists care only in order to further their personal ambitions. Empaths are yielding, narcissists are dominating.

Narcissism in its developed forms (such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder), has many causes. The same could be said for those who are excessively empathic. Psychologists are still figuring it out. But, as is often the case, the fruit reveals the root.

Narcissists present as confident persons – too confident in fact. They see themselves as highly competent and intelligent people, vastly superior to others. They are quick-witted, always ready with a cutting retort or a gas-lighting response. Their instant responses are effective in wrong-footing their opponents and demolishing those who are less ruthless, more self-reflective and just not so nasty.

Highly-developed empaths, on the other hand, lack confidence and are inclined to give others the benefit of the doubt to the detriment of themselves. What others say is more important than their own opinions. All this makes those with strong empathic traits easy prey for narcissistic snares.
Take a look at the following conversation between a narcissist and an empath in a conflict situation.

NARCISSCIST – “What you’re saying is just wrong. You’re accusations are false.”
EMPATH – “I’m not accusing you. I’m just saying that you’re actions seem to me to be unreasonable.”
NARCISSCIST – “I’m not responsible for what you’re thinking. That’s down to you.”

What is happening here? The empath is trying to confront unacceptable behaviour coming from the narcissist. The response is not fair or rational. The narcissist is right and no other version of events is worth considering.

The empath is being gentle and reasonable. But, rather than responding in an equally reasonable way, the narcissist exploits this as a weakness. The narcissist has the facts and cannot be contradicted. Any other point of view is just subjective opinion. After all, the narcissist can never be wrong. To be wrong is to risk an existential crisis. That’s why narcissists must win every argument and are totally unscrupulous in debate. Those who threaten their supremacy are immediately repudiated and their arguments scornfully dismissed.

Narcissists have a wide range of other ready-made and equally gas-lighting responses. What’s more, they relish interaction with empaths. They view them as psychological snack food, a cheap source of energy for an instant ego boost.

Above-the-surface we observe two entirely different patterns of behaviour coming from two distinctive personalities. But when we look more deeply, we begin to see a striking similarity.

The roots of both narcissistic and exaggerated empathic behaviours are exactly the same. It has to do with fear. The deeply-held fear or suspicion of being personally unlovable and/or incompetent. How this fundamental fear is dealt with practically, determines either narcissistic or empathic patterns of behaviour. At both ends of the spectrum we find people with serious relational problems.

The empath’s fear of having no real worth as a person leads to a life of excessive niceness and consideration of others. He or she is trying to find self-worth by being affirmed by others. On the other hand, the narcissist deals with the same fear by hiding behind a bold exterior front framed by excessive self-confidence and self-belief. The fear is denied and therefore never faced.

Both narcissism and excessive empathy are learned strategies of psychological compensation, never dealing with the fundamental fear of lack of self-worth.

We all have the same propensity to love and defend our ‘self-life’. This is obvious in narcissism. But the irony is that a person who exhibits excessive empathy may be as self-obsessed as the proverbial narcissist.

This presents particular problems for leaders in a church setting. How do we deal with the problem of narcissism in the pulpit? How do we help those on the other side of the coin who are slaves of niceness?

Self-evidently, we must be on our guard against narcissism. This form of ambition, not to mention ruthlessness, often leads to outward success, provided the public presentations skillfully cover the real personality lurking beneath. But not all successful church leaders are of the narcissistic type. Many advance by being empathic and shining as beacons of compassion, despite the underlying selfish motivation.

A person who exhibits excessive empathy may be as self-obsessed as the proverbial narcissist.

Tackling these problems in church leadership begins with selection and training, which must be based in radical discipleship. I contend that more inner work is needed from the very beginning of the discipleship process. It calls for insightful analysis and healthy soul-searching in the context of a biblical understanding of human personality.

Jesus, the supreme wisdom teacher in the Bible says,

“Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it” (Luke 9:24, ESV).

Jesus calls his followers to a God-centred rather than a self-centred orientation in life. It can only happen from the inside out, from the transformation of our inner selves. Quite simply, we must lose our old selves and embrace our new selves, the selves we were originally created to be, which have now been recreated in Christ. All the ethical requirements of New Testament Christianity depend on this prior act of God’s inner recreation. Working this out in personality growth and behavioural change is a life-long agenda, but it begins the day we yield to Christ as Saviour and Lord.

Both narcissists and empaths need to renounce the self in a way they have never done before. Superficial conversion does not reach as deep as that, but this is where everything begins. We face the fact that we can do nothing to deserve God’s love or merit his acceptance. Rather than finding ways of compensating for this realisation, we must flee to Christ in whose eyes we are people of inestimable value and worth and, as new creations in Christ, empowered to live impactful lives. These biblical revelations must become deeply lodged in our hearts in life-changing and personality-transforming ways.

This does not mean we live without struggles. Profound personality issues are not easily resolved. But, once we see ourselves in Christ, we overcome our fear and can begin to reflect this reality beginning first with how we see God, then how we see ourselves and, finally, how we see others. We are set free from self-obsession and are ready to face life without the self aggrandisement of a narcissist or the self-suffocation that comes through adopting a life of exaggerated empathy.

Church Matters Series

Colin with Harare Cell Conference Delgates

The believers were emboldened and release after a time of feeling the oppressive weight of their circumstances and recent difficulties. There was a strong sense of unity and hunger for the freedom from structures and traditions that bind.

Word Life Ministries, Church, Hatfield, Harare

The Sunday morning service was held at the Hatfield centre where Word Life Ministries has a worship centre – basically a shed-like structure, as they wait on the Lord for his provision of a permanent building.

The Hatfield Church

The people are hungry for God and are holding firm despite many casualties of the Covid Lockdown. Many churches have lost members to other ministries and to the world. There is a sense of re-pioneering in the air.

The pastors, Chivimbisu and Clara Ngowe are stalwarts and filled with vision. They have next to no resources and the people they are reaching are poor, or without substantial income.

Colin, Bishop and Pastor Ngowe

Follow Up
A group has been formed of those wanting to develop the Cell Vision. They keep contact through WhatsApp and that is a vehicle we can use to provide on-going teaching and mentoring.

There is a need for the cell publications and other books helpful to the ministry. We must explore means of inexpensive transportation of bulk quantities of books. This is urgent.

They are already talking about another conference next year, and if I do respond to this desire, I would like to have a small team with me, so that we can diversify the sessions and perhaps do a mini encounter with the church.

PRAY FOR THIS ON-GOING MISSION

Join Colin, Amanda and Team for a powerful evening of ministry.

CHAOS, COSMOS & KINGDOM
A powerful prophetic and apostolic word for our season.
Plus Ministry in the Holy Spirit:
Healing
Prophecy
Intercession

YOU ARE RECEIVING A KINGDOM THAT CANNOT BE SHAKEN

Colin, Amanda & Ministry Team host an Apostolic & Prophetic Evening of Celebration and Ministry in the prestigious
Emmanuel Centre, Westminster

Seats are extremely limited, so guarantee your space and
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ONLY £5.00

When you look at this picture, what do you see? Look again, carefully.

Obviously, it’s a glass filled to overflowing. That’s positive, surely? “My cup overflows”, said David, the one-time shepherd boy who became one of the most celebrated kings in Ancient Israel. God pours his abundant blessing upon his children even beyond their capacity to receive. For me, this is a reminder that I should do everything I can to enlarge my personal capacity and be trusted by God for what I do receive. If I continue to overflow, it ought to be for the benefit of others. In that sense, having more than enough for myself is a good thing.

But that is not what drew me to this image in the first place. It highlights a serious problem I have observed and personally experienced in church life. And that’s the way God is being limited to the size and shape of the human structures we give him to work with.

Jesus spoke of the need for new wineskins for the new wine of the Kingdom. The old, fragile and brittle structures of the religion of his day were totally incapable of containing what Jesus had come to inaugurate. To attempt to re-use old wineskins for the wine of the new season is not only an inadequate response, it is also tragic. In Jesus’ analogy, the wine bottles made from animal skins were useful only once. Old wineskins already stretched to capacity, simply could not contain the new vintage that expanded during the maturing process. They would simply burst and the wine would be lost.

Despite this warning from the lips of Jesus, every generation seems to make the same mistake. We think the organisational structures we build to contain the Holy Spirit are sacrosanct. We treat them as ever-enduring. Perhaps they once were adequate containers as we attempted to steward a particular move of the Spirit. But they are never more valuable than the wine itself.

Structures are important. There’s no escaping them. It’s our responsibility to build them. But it is also our responsibility to make sure that they do not limit what God has given and what God is doing.

If, at any point in time, we discover our structures cannot handle the greater things, or the newer things God is introducing, it is time to change them. This applies to what God is doing through individual ministries as well as through corporate bodies such as church communities and denominational organisations.
I have seen great ministries curtailed or worse, destroyed simply because the structures that were imposed upon them were wholly inadequate. History is also a testimony to previously dynamic movements becoming empty and dead monuments for the same reason.

It is time to stop trying to contain the work of the Holy Spirit. God is on the move and we must move with him.

Church Matters Series

’Till death us do part

God’s covenant love means he is totally committed to his people. As with any agreement there are promises made, conditions to fulfil and consequences if these are not met.

‘Covenant’ is a slightly old-fashioned word, but is still widely used today.  It’s another word for a contract, a legal agreement. For example, two parties agree to supply and pay for certain goods and services. The contract lists the specific benefits and responsibilities for each person included in its terms and conditions.

Marriage, is also a covenant, a formal, public and binding agreement. In biblical terms, marriage is linked to procreation and therefore can only be made between those inherently capable of having children, that is, a biological man and a biological woman (with the presumption that both will fully identify with their biological sex). Circumstances such as age, infertility or other conditions that preclude a heterosexual married couple from having children does not negate the basic binary nature of biological sex. The point is that Christian marriage upholds these categories which inherently include the capacity to be fruitful and multiply.

In many nations, the civic definition of marriage has recently been changed to include people of the same sex. The principal reason given for this change is to provide equality under the (secular) law for LGBTQi+ people. Christian believers consider marriage to be a sacred bond as revealed in the Bible. Wider society does not share this perspective, however, secular marriage remains legally binding.

The sanctity of biblical marriage is held in extremely high esteem. This is due to the parallels between God’s relationship with his people and the marriage between a man and a woman. Marriage is a picture (some would argue a sacramental picture) of the gender specific relationship between a man and a woman in marriage. Our relationship with God is also defined in gender specific terms, a male Groom who is Christ and a female Bride incorporating all God’s covenant people.

Earthly marriage is ’till death us do part, whereas God’s covenant with his people endures after death when the divine-human relationship will be consummated. 

The terms of this covenant are clear. God takes the initiative and confers his covenant love upon us, pledging himself in divine faithfulness. Believing loyalty is our response to God’s covenant love as we, in turn, pledge to remain faithful to him. He loves us eternally and remains forever faithful. But we must also be faithful to him. This conditional element really matters to God and he holds us responsible for keeping our pledge. 

So, we see that God’s covenant love is conditional. Not in absolute terms, because God will never leave or forsake us. But the degree to which we enjoy his covenant love and blessing does depend on our continued believing loyalty to him.

This is linked to God’s rewarding love which is the subject of the next and final blog in this series.

God is Love

God loves infinitely. That means he loves fully, passionately, vehemently, intensely, unfailingly and eternally.

David Bennett came out to his parents as gay when he was 14 and entered Sydney’s active gay community a few years later. 

In A War of Loves, he shares his growing desire as a gay rights activist to see justice for LGBTQI people, his journey through new age religions and French existentialism, and his university years as a postmodernist – before Jesus Christ showed up in his life in a highly unexpected way, leading him down a path he never would have imagined or predicted.

David had believed he was disqualified from God’s love until he encountered that for himself in Jesus Christ.

David Bennett’s life was outwardly stable, secure in the love and acceptance of both his parents. But inwardly, he was broken, searching for a deeper meaning than his life-style and relationships were able to provide. One day a friend asked him in a pub in downtown Sydney, “David have you ever experienced the love of God?” She prayed for him then and there. David speaks of the overwhelming, transcendent love of God he experienced in those moments, a love that transformed him. Now, he identifies as a celibate Christian. Still campaigning for justice, he spreads the message of God’s love everywhere he goes.

Perhaps the best definition of human well-being and flourishing is the ability to love well, to give and to receive love.

God is Love
God’s love is eternal. But how was the love of God expressed when there were no created beings whom he could love, or who could respond to him? 

The answer leads to the Trinity, which is the word we use to describe the three-in-one nature of the One God. This is not some super-analytical theological abstraction, but holds the secret of what love is. God, by very nature, is an infinitely loving and infinitely relational being. The Father loves the Son, the Son loves the Father, and the Holy Spirit is the dynamic Spirit of love.

In the Trinity, we glimpse what love is: reaching out to connect with, to delight in and to honour another. That’s how the members of the Trinity behave toward one another. And of course, the perfect unity of God ensures the perfect harmony of love, fully expressed and fully received. This is the eternal model of love.

The unconditional nature of Trinitarian love
The Father’s Love for the Son, and the Son’s Love for the Father are unconditional, an expression of the very nature of God himself. The Son’s obedience to the Father is not the condition upon which the Father loves the Son, but the consequence of both the Son’s Love of the Father and the Father’s love of the Son. That love is an expression of the very nature of God, who is ultimate reality.

God’s love is preeminent
All that God created is an expression of his love and saturated with it. If only we could discern it. He never does anything, and has never done anything unloving. Even when we think of God’s justice and judgement, we must know these things are an expression of God’s love – his love for truth, for righteousness, for the created order, and for all humanity. In everything, God upholds his glory and acts for the good of the beings he created to inhabit his world.  

But what is love, exactly?
The word ‘love’ is better understood as a verb, not as an abstract noun. A verb is an action word, a ‘doing’ word. So how do we know what love is? By watching what love does, especially God’s love in action. He created us and he loves us because he chose to love us. This love continues even after humanity chose to disobey him, turning away from the only source of light, life and love. God proved his on-going love by sending Jesus to be the one sacrifice that can take away our sin. God’s love, once received, becomes the driving force of our love as imitators of the Divine. 

We love because he first loved us (1 John 4:19, ESV).

Pure Love

The need for love is embedded deep in the psychology of the human soul. We all long to find unconditional love and acceptance. But we also sense it’s complicated. 

Narcissists and Empaths

Narcissists have extremely low self-esteem, convinced they are unlovable. Love will not come from others, so they have to find a way of giving it to themselves. Their whole life, their emotional survival in this world, depends on the only belief that works for them. They convince themselves that they are amazing. Then they impose this view of themselves on others, and woe betide you if you destroy their illusion.

Empaths also have low self-esteem, but believe that if they are good, nice understanding and always pleasing to others, people will give them the love they crave. Empaths rarely confront others or speak up for themselves for fear of rejection. Deep down, they are fearful and often resentful that their approach does not fill the emptiness within.

Neither of these options come close to unconditional love.  Most of us tend towards narcissism or empathy. Taken too far, both these tendencies call for help from an experienced counsellor. Both relational categories are different expressions of the fear that lies in the core of our being – the fear that we are unlovable or deeply incompetent. They focus on performance and projection of self in the hope of attaining and maintaining what ends up as a mere illusion of love.

Agape describes love freely offered and can only be freely received.

The Bible uses a particular word for the love of God. ‘Agape’ is the kind of love which depends entirely on the giver. It bestows love on another who could never be deserving of it. This is why we often call God’s love ‘unconditional’. It is also why people do not immediately embrace it. First, you have to admit that you are entirely undeserving of the love God gives you. The Bible word for this is ‘grace’.

The situation becomes even more confused when you examine beliefs about love both in contemporary culture and in some parts of the Christian community.

Cultural Confusion

The message, “God loves you” is open to misinterpretation. What does it mean in popular culture?

“If God loves me, he will give me what I want, he will never judge me, he will not demand anything from me, but will make my life work for me, the way I want it to. He certainly will not condemn me because I refuse to love him.”

Expressive individuality is the new cultural norm. My freedom to be myself, to follow my own feelings and desires, even if it means I disregard Bible teaching about what is right and wrong.

Christian Confusion

Some Christians focus on the unconditional love of God. He makes few real demands, certainly not radical demands. Dietrich Bonhoeffer called this‘ cheap grace’. But grace is not cheap. It’s absolutely free! Free to us, but it cost God everything. It’s this grace that changes us from the inside out.

Others emphasise the conditionality of God’s love. God will love you if you do the right thing. Only then will he accept you. Brennan Manning, speaks of the shallowness of this point of view. In his book “The Furious Longing of God”, he talks about the life he once lived. He was always among the poor and performed many impressive works of charity. But far from accepting this as praiseworthy, he explains that it was all about trying to earn God’s love. Then, he discovered the free grace of God. And that really changed him. He saw that God does not want good works as a means of gaining his love. Good works are the consequence of a love received not the cause of that love.

How can we resolve this confusion? Is God’s love conditional or unconditional? Perhaps God’s love is both conditional and unconditional, depending on what aspect of his love we are talking about. 

Walk With the People

Isolated Pastors

The idea of ordination to the ministry is, at best, unhelpful. All believers are in the ministry of Christ. The moment pastors see their ordination as giving them special powers or spiritual privileges, they unnecessarily isolate themselves from the people. Instead, all church leaders should see themselves as fellow members of the Christian community along with all God’s people. Being among them and walking with them not only ends the isolation, it accurately reflects our unity and equality before God.

There should be no clergy-laity divide. The ‘ministry’ belongs to the Body of Christ. There 47 ‘one another’ scriptures in the New Testament.

Much that surrounds historical and contemporary practices of ordination is drawn from the Old Testament model of ministry. The Priesthood was instituted by God in the context of his covenant relationship with Israel. It ensured that the Temple in Jerusalem was preserved as the sacred space where God manifested his presence. Thus the central promise of the covenant was fulfilled, “I will dwell among you”. 

The priests of the Old Testament were given special privileges and special powers to approach God in the sacred space and to maintain its sanctity performing rituals on behalf of the community.

The whole community of Israel was also considered to be part of a corporate priesthood. But this did not rule out the special role of some. For example Moses and Aaron as High Priest, the sons of Aaron and the Levites all had sacred roles to fulfill within the Old Covenant context. 

Now, that mediatorial role has been fulfilled by Christ, the only Mediator between God and humanity. And with that, all special powers belonging to special people are rescinded. Or, perhaps better expressed, they have been dispersed to the whole Christian community.

In the New Testament Church, the priesthood of all believers is the central emphasis, where we are all servants of God and ministers of one another. Believers, both individually and together, are the Temple of the Holy Spirit. There are some 47 verses in the New Testament which describe our role in encouraging, teaching, admonishing and serving one another. 

Ministering to one another

Leadership in the New Testament also takes on a different form. Specific people with specific ministry gifts are called to leadership in Christian communities. But these are not given special powers to preserve sacred space or to prepare the people to approach God. Christ the Mediator fulfills this role perfectly and exclusively.

Originally, the terms ‘pastor’, ‘elder’ and ‘overseer’ all referred to the same calling. Pastoral leaders, elders and overseers were given ‘delegated’ or ‘derived’ responsibility from Christ himself, the Chief Shepherd. Their responsibility, for which they were given the spiritual authority to discharge, was the overall care and spiritual leadership off the flock of God, but the overarching concern was pastoral. Above all, this service was offered from among the people, not exalted above them.

From the Second Century onward ministerial roles were developed and separated into hierarchical categories. With the coming of Constantine, the situation worsened. Church structures reflected the administrative structures of the Roman Empire.

Ending the isolation

It is time we stopped giving mere lip service to the doctrine of the priesthood of all believers. Imagine the difference it would make to church life and ministry and our influence in wider society, if we removed artificial distinctions between sacred and secular, and between clergy and laity. Certainly, it would end the isolation of pastors thinking they have to walk alone.