Empathy is a good thing – the capacity to see and understand the perspective of another person. That is something I, for one, would like to see in a Christian leader. I would like those who consider themselves to be leaders and who profess to be carers of my spiritual life and custodians of my spiritual gifts, to at the very least to be empathic people. Before they make any decisions or issue any pronouncements about me, I would like them to have spent time to understand me, to have first enquired and then imagined what it was to walk even a couple of miles in my shoes. This kind of empathy is always good, even if it may, from time to time, lead to painful correction or tough love.

Empathy and compassion are closely-linked, but they are not the same. Compassion is far stronger than empathy. It drives you to do something about the suffering of another. Compassion is empathy plus wise practical action and it pulls no punches.

I’m sure all will agree that empathy and compassion are basic requirements of spiritual leaders, and ought also to be the aspiration of all decent human beings.

But there is another dimension to this. Can empathy be carried too far? In my experience and observation of church life over the last 5 decades, the answer is, yes. Let me give you some examples.

• When it causes burnout
  Leaders who are overly empathic tend to give out and keep giving out until there’s nothing left to give. They run out of resources – emotional and otherwise. An exaggerated sense of empathy can lead to ‘saviour syndrome’, the belief that it all depends on you. Neglect of yourself, your family and alone time with God leads to a tragic exhaustion of personal resources. Tragic because the energy you expend on others is a renewable resource, if you know how to pace yourself. The priority of self-care is highlighted every time you watch the airline crew give the safety demonstration. They always point out you must don your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others with theirs.
  
  
• When it leads to loss of individual identity
  Many leaders who overdo empathy soon find their identity enmeshed in their ministry. Your identity is what you bring to ministry. Ministry can never be the source of your identity. Get this wrong and the otherwise admirable quality of your empathy will rob you of the clarity or presence of mind you need to lead others. The ability to take a firm stand for what you believe and to act decisively in the best interests of those you serve.

  End up there, and you will have lost your ability to do any real or lasting good to anyone, including yourself.
  
  

• When it traps you into abusive relationships
  Self-absorbed, narcissistic and abusive people lock onto super empathic leaders and use them as fodder for their selfish egos. There is a growing awareness of the phenomenon of spiritual abuse directed against church members, but we ought to recognise that members can also abuse their spiritual leaders. An over-empathic leader can easily succumb to manipulative demands, be battered by cruel criticism and be run into the ground by the unrealistic expectations of some of their members. I can bring to mind several horrendous cases where ministries have been shipwrecked on the rocks of membership cruelty, directed not just to themselves but, more painfully, also to their families.
  
  
• When it re-enforces irresponsible behaviour
  If empathic leaders do not check their desire always to please those whom they serve, they can end up enabling the very behaviour they are supposed to confront and correct. We are always to bind up the broken-hearted and to give attention to the weak and the hurting. But this does not mean that as leaders we give into to every demand people make on us. There comes a time when we can no longer absolve people of their responsibility to correct their own behaviour and discipline themselves into the ways that lead to their own freedom.

So much for the problems caused by taking empathy too far. What about some solutions? In the next blog I will address the below-the-surface issues that often manifest in problem empathy. But for now, here are some simple, but effective pointers:

• Draw your boundaries
  For some, this means re-drawing boundaries that have failed to protect. Others may never had any boundaries in the first place. Either way, it is very difficult to put correctives in place midway in the relationship between care-givers and care-receivers. But it is essential to correct any imbalance that has been allowed to set in. Frank and open conversations must take place, together with admission of faulty pastoring while establishing clear and agreed-upon new ways of doing things.
  
  
• Be willing to be disagreeable
  The word ‘no’ can be shocking to those who’ve never heard it from you before. They may respond in a highly negative manner, even accusing you of not caring and not being willing to fulfil your duty. This can be devastating to those who lean towards over-empathising. Every leader must learn to have the right level of disagreeableness, otherwise they will become weak and ineffective in ministry. Their job is not to be liked by everybody all the time. Rather, it is to lead people into God’s best for their lives, even if people do not see it at the time.
  
  
• Be prepared suffer loss in the short term
  It is almost inevitable that people will be offended at your new stance, but you must hold firm. Some will threaten you and find ways of punishing you for not meeting their expectations. Be patient with them. After all, you are partly to blame for re-enforcing those expectations in the first place, by not exposing them as unreasonable. Some will be sure to leave. After all, that’s the surest way of hitting back. But, if the leader has been clear, communicated compassionately and behaved correctly during the re-setting process, there is nothing to fear from some temporary losses. They will be far outweighed by the long term gains for both leaders and members.

In the next article, I will examine some beneath-the-surface issues by asking, ‘What do narcissistic leaders and empathic leaders have in common?’

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A couple in love. Romantic clich??

• Love in all its aspects (friendship, romance and sex)
• Someone to be the object of their affection
• Someone who loves them for who they are
• Love, love and more love!

2. Support

• To support even when their career is not going well
• To support their chosen career and to say, ?I believe in you.?
• To give support, encouragement and affirmation

3. Respect

• Mutual respect and honour
• Respect despite circumstances
• Respect, especially in public

4. Sharing

• Someone to share God?s purposes and plans for their life with
• Someone to share interests with
• Someone to share secrets with

5. Communication

• Someone to listen to them
• Someone to understand their needs, concerns and challenges

6. Sex

• Someone to be fulfilled with sexually

7. Submission

• Someone to acknowledge their leadership within the home

8. Companionship

• To be a special friend throughout life?s highs and lows
• Someone to feel comfortable with
• Someone to trust

What women want from men
1. Love

• Someone to love them for who they are
• Someone to love and care for them/their children
• Someone who will love, honour and cherish them

2. Communication

• Someone who will listen to them and take them seriously
• Someone to talk to about their feelings
• Someone whom they can talk to about anything
• Someone to talk over issues and problems with

3. Friendship

• Someone who is their best friend
• Someone who is their soulmate
• A friend who will encourage them and help them achieve their potential

4. Honesty/Loyalty/Integrity

• Someone who keeps his word
• Honesty and openness
• Faithfulness
• Someone whom they can trust

5. Romance

• Someone to share romantic times with, not just ?quick? sex
• Someone who is romantic or willing to learn how to be

6. Care/Respect/Understanding

• Someone who is caring and considers their needs
• Someone who respects their opinions
• Someone who understands their feelings

7. Help

• Someone who helps them around the home
• Someone who cares for and looks after the children
• Someone who will help to teach the children about God

8. Leadership

• Someone who will lead the family
• Someone who takes the initiative in decision making
• Someone who will set a godly example

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God, Sex and Relationships. Staying Pure in a Sex-Charged World.

Colin you have written a ?book called “Staying Pure in a Sex-Charged World. Could you explain the title to us?

Colin: I want to help believers deal with the whole issue of sexuality particularly in today’s society when there is so much emphasis on sex and it is not always given its right biblical context. Have a look at billboards and TV advertisements, films, even sex education in schools. These things put many people under pressure in this area. I want to help Christians come to terms with this and identify how they can live with their sexuality in a way that honours God.

There are already a number of books within the Christian market about sex and relationships. Why write another one and what is, perhaps, different about this book?

Colin: In many ways this book complements a lot of other stuff that has been written. I have read quite a few of these books. Some of them have great stories and testimonies and a lot of practical stuff and teaching. This new book presents clear biblical teaching in a simple way and also covers many areas that I find are not always well covered in other books. An example is the emphasis on singleness and the Bible teaching on homosexuality.

You mention friendship within the same sex. Could you just briefly outline the Bible view on this subject?

Colin: This is a very big subject. I find that there seems to be two kinds of viewpoints, even amongst Christians. There is the legalistic approach, which is very moralistic with a heavy emphasis on the scriptures, which seems to condemn all forms of homosexuality out of hand. Then on the other hand there is the more liberal emphasis where people seem to suggest that it does not matter – homosexuality is as acceptable as heterosexuality. I actually think that the Bible is midway between these two viewpoints. First of all, the Scriptures honour friendship within the same gender and hold them in high esteem. In my book I mention Ruth and Naomi, and David and Jonathan. There is a particular place in God’s heart for strong and intimate covenant relationships between members of the same sex. However, it is my view that the Bible falls short of allowing these relationships to enter into an explicitly sexual area. I think that the display of affection and love between members of the same sex can have a real context in the plan of God. However, the Bible seems to steer us away from taking such relationships further into sexual acts.

How would you advise a Christian struggling with homosexual issue in terms of what you have said about sexuality?

Colin: I go into this in detail in the book and there are a number of things to bear in mind. You are not defined by your sexual orientation. You are much more than a sexual being. It is not necessary to define yourself by your sexuality. The second thing is to look at the need beneath the surface that sex in itself, in all its forms, cannot really fulfil. Many people struggling with heterosexual or homosexual sin have needs that they are trying to meet through sex and sex isn’t designed for that. `My advice is find people who are non-judgemental and able to keep confidences and work with them so that they can help you to honour God throughout your sexual experience.

It is interesting that the media, generally, portrays Christianity as anti-sex. What would be your take on this?

Colin: I think that is one of the most important emphases that I put into the book. Christians, particularly evangelical Christians, are portrayed as being anti-sex and that is not the case. God is not anti-sex; he invented it. He made the human bodies and gave us the rules and parameters by which sexual experience can flourish and the context, which is the covenantal relationship between man and woman in marriage. Often, it is this that is ridiculed and pilloried by the press, many of whom are products of the 1960s’ so-called sexual revolution. You only have to look around our society today, to see the devastation that sex out of context has produced. So, the agenda of this book is to encourage believers and indeed non-believers, if they would read it, to re-examine what God has to say about sex.

You mention non-believers. Who is your target audience? Is it Christians, singles or young people?

Colin: My target audience is believers who are concerned about how to honour God with their sexuality. I hope to encourage people who may be struggling in certain areas to come and find a non-judgemental, non-condemning book that will encourage them to stay pure in the midst of a very challenging environment.

Do you think that this a message that can be taken to non-Christians and young people in schools, colleges and universities?

Colin: The publishers are hoping to promote this through the secular press and I am sure that it can gain a hearing there, at least, as an example of what Christians really do think about God’s gift of sexuality. I think that many people in the wider world consider themselves to be Christians; 72% of the population of the UK calls themselves Christians. And I think that these people will be impressed by the non-judgemental, common sense approach to this subject matter. Also, there is a lot of research that shows that God’s way is the best way of living in families and bringing up children. The sexual experiment has failed. There is a strong statement from Anne Widdecombe, the Conservative MP (in this book) that shows that many people, from a political point of view, are concerned about the social trends of today and want a real alternative to the free-for-all, anything-goes philosophy of the modern generation.

One of the things that you outline in the book is the spiritual dimension to sexuality. You mention soul ties. What are soul ties and why are they so dangerous?

Colin: Well, a soul tie is any strong emotional attachment to a person, a place, a situation or a memory. Its relevance in sex is that if you have sex with somebody, you are not just joining your body to another person; rather you can almost speak about a soul-attachment – an intermingling that comes through the sexual contact. The great fallacy of the modern age is to believe that we are just “body beings’. We are not just “body beings’; we are spirit, soul and body beings. What you do with one part of your personality will impinge upon the rest of your personality. And so soul ties can almost have the same force as demonic bondage and people need to be set free from an emotional/spiritual bondage that can come through sex.

What would be your advice to people who recognise their need to be set free from such bondage?

Colin: First, you need to confess the sin that you have been involved in, renounce all contact and association with the person involved, get rid of any kind of link with him/her, whether it is physical gifts or objects. Then come before God and ask him for his freedom and deliverance. If possible, it is sometimes better to receive ministry in this particular area and in my book Living Free! , I show how people can do this and experience freedom from soul ties.

Finally, Colin, what do you have to say to our readers who are single? Do you have any advise for them?

Colin: There is a chapter dedicated to single people and my advice to people who are single is make the most of God’s gift of singleness for as long as you remain single. Don’t think of it as bondage or a problem. Rather, think of it as a gift from God because there is so much that you can do and achieve for God while you are single. You grow as an individual and prepare yourself and your character for the Lord in preparation for marriage. The gift of singleness is a tremendous gift.

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