Empathy is a good thing – the capacity to see and understand the perspective of another person. That is something I, for one, would like to see in a Christian leader. I would like those who consider themselves to be leaders and who profess to be carers of my spiritual life and custodians of my spiritual gifts, to at the very least to be empathic people. Before they make any decisions or issue any pronouncements about me, I would like them to have spent time to understand me, to have first enquired and then imagined what it was to walk even a couple of miles in my shoes. This kind of empathy is always good, even if it may, from time to time, lead to painful correction or tough love.

Empathy and compassion are closely-linked, but they are not the same. Compassion is far stronger than empathy. It drives you to do something about the suffering of another. Compassion is empathy plus wise practical action and it pulls no punches.

I’m sure all will agree that empathy and compassion are basic requirements of spiritual leaders, and ought also to be the aspiration of all decent human beings.

But there is another dimension to this. Can empathy be carried too far? In my experience and observation of church life over the last 5 decades, the answer is, yes. Let me give you some examples.

• When it causes burnout
  Leaders who are overly empathic tend to give out and keep giving out until there’s nothing left to give. They run out of resources – emotional and otherwise. An exaggerated sense of empathy can lead to ‘saviour syndrome’, the belief that it all depends on you. Neglect of yourself, your family and alone time with God leads to a tragic exhaustion of personal resources. Tragic because the energy you expend on others is a renewable resource, if you know how to pace yourself. The priority of self-care is highlighted every time you watch the airline crew give the safety demonstration. They always point out you must don your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others with theirs.
• When it leads to loss of individual identity
  Many leaders who overdo empathy soon find their identity enmeshed in their ministry. Your identity is what you bring to ministry. Ministry can never be the source of your identity. Get this wrong and the otherwise admirable quality of your empathy will rob you of the clarity or presence of mind you need to lead others. The ability to take a firm stand for what you believe and to act decisively in the best interests of those you serve.

  End up there, and you will have lost your ability to do any real or lasting good to anyone, including yourself.

• When it traps you into abusive relationships
  Self-absorbed, narcissistic and abusive people lock onto super empathic leaders and use them as fodder for their selfish egos. There is a growing awareness of the phenomenon of spiritual abuse directed against church members, but we ought to recognise that members can also abuse their spiritual leaders. An over-empathic leader can easily succumb to manipulative demands, be battered by cruel criticism and be run into the ground by the unrealistic expectations of some of their members. I can bring to mind several horrendous cases where ministries have been shipwrecked on the rocks of membership cruelty, directed not just to themselves but, more painfully, also to their families.
• When it re-enforces irresponsible behaviour
  If empathic leaders do not check their desire always to please those whom they serve, they can end up enabling the very behaviour they are supposed to confront and correct. We are always to bind up the broken-hearted and to give attention to the weak and the hurting. But this does not mean that as leaders we give into to every demand people make on us. There comes a time when we can no longer absolve people of their responsibility to correct their own behaviour and discipline themselves into the ways that lead to their own freedom.

So much for the problems caused by taking empathy too far. What about some solutions? In the next blog I will address the below-the-surface issues that often manifest in problem empathy. But for now, here are some simple, but effective pointers:

• Draw your boundaries
  For some, this means re-drawing boundaries that have failed to protect. Others may never had any boundaries in the first place. Either way, it is very difficult to put correctives in place midway in the relationship between care-givers and care-receivers. But it is essential to correct any imbalance that has been allowed to set in. Frank and open conversations must take place, together with admission of faulty pastoring while establishing clear and agreed-upon new ways of doing things.
• Be willing to be disagreeable
  The word ‘no’ can be shocking to those who’ve never heard it from you before. They may respond in a highly negative manner, even accusing you of not caring and not being willing to fulfil your duty. This can be devastating to those who lean towards over-empathising. Every leader must learn to have the right level of disagreeableness, otherwise they will become weak and ineffective in ministry. Their job is not to be liked by everybody all the time. Rather, it is to lead people into God’s best for their lives, even if people do not see it at the time.
• Be prepared suffer loss in the short term
  It is almost inevitable that people will be offended at your new stance, but you must hold firm. Some will threaten you and find ways of punishing you for not meeting their expectations. Be patient with them. After all, you are partly to blame for re-enforcing those expectations in the first place, by not exposing them as unreasonable. Some will be sure to leave. After all, that’s the surest way of hitting back. But, if the leader has been clear, communicated compassionately and behaved correctly during the re-setting process, there is nothing to fear from some temporary losses. They will be far outweighed by the long term gains for both leaders and members.

In the next article, I will examine some beneath-the-surface issues by asking, ‘What do narcissistic leaders and empathic leaders have in common?’

Church Matters Series

Narcissistic spiritual leaders hold their followers captive. Masking their own inner fears, they are powered by overblown egos and become tyrants of domination and control. Possessing an unbearable lack of self-worth, they compensate by projecting an image of themselves as wonderfully intelligent and competent. Their coping mechanism is their style of social interaction. They isolate or destroy those who see through the façade and draw around them people who will believe their lie.

In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a young man who eventually died having fallen in love with his own reflection. Unable to cast his gaze away from his own beauty, he finally died and a flower named narcissus grew where he lay.

Today, Narcissism is a personality type exhibiting a number of traits. The term has recently become the go-to description in pop psychology. Everyone, it seems, is either married to, has a relationship with, or has a boss who is a ‘narcissist’. The internet hosts innumerable self-help advisers who capitalise on this trend.

While this can rob the term ‘narcissist’ of any significant meaning, it does highlight a social and practical problem. Those with pronounced narcissistic traits often end up in positions of power and control – in politics, business and the church. Ideally-placed to give free reign to their own brand of ego-mania, narcissistic church leaders must be called out.

While the ego problem remains central to us all, leaders who possess high narcissistic traits present a particular difficulty. High in manipulation and low in empathy, they bully their way through until they have unscrupulously gained full control. That journey is strewn with human wreckage in the wake of narcissistic drivenness disguised as strong leadership and moral virtue.

For the narcissist, everything is about public image. They craft their own publicity and create false narratives to bolster their popularity. They reinforce their projected image, often by performing ingratiating acts of public flattery, handing out bouquets and heaping self-serving accolades on those whom they wish to influence. Somehow, everything ends up being about them.

Alongside this, they breed fear by making examples of those who oppose them. A chilling effect follows and people become reluctant to criticise, consciously or unconsciously knowing their positions or jobs are on the line. A narcissist will rarely do their own dirty work. Instead, they manipulate behind the scenes and recruit others to act for them, sometimes without realising they are being used.

There is no greater pretension than the claim to represent God. When true, it’s a wonderful thing. But when the motive is self-promotion or domination of others, it’s most diabolical. The pressure that a so-called spiritual leader can exert on followers is almost unlimited. That’s why safeguarding must be in place. We must know how to identify, confront, and, if possible, correct those in the grip of narcissism.

If you suspect someone is behaving narcissistically, you should draw immediate attention to it. The problem is, those who fit the profile are the last to admit it, and are impervious to criticism. Those who have been drawn into the role of narcissistic enablers will also be unlikely to help you. You could invoke accountability structures, if they exist, or not already biased. Nevertheless, it is important to speak up and present evidential support for your concerns, not least for the sake of the victims. If everything else fails, you still have one final option to protect yourself – walk away!

Church Matters Series

All confusion and division in church life is almost certainly the result of false and demonically-motived wisdom.

Drawing from the wisdom traditions of the Bible, James 3:13-18Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbour bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness (James 3:13-18, NIV). describes two forms of wisdom: demonic and divine. Rooted in narcissistic envy and selfish ambition, demonic wisdom produces disorder and division in church communities. Divine wisdom is rooted in purity of heart and grows from humility and genuine love of others. There is no place here for ego-driven malpractice.

Churches should be ever-vigilant and hold their leaders accountable to the standards of true wisdom:

The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness (James 3:17-18 NIV).

The whole leadership enterprise, from ministerial training and selection to monitoring and discipline, should be governed by the wisdom insights of James. The shocking thing is that leaders may consider themselves to be both spiritual and wise but actually be in the grip of a soulish and demonic spirit of self-promotion.

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice (James 3:16 NIV).

Accountability becomes difficult when churches are established on false models of ministry. Viewed as having special powers of a semi-mystical nature, pastors and leaders are placed on near idolatrous pedestals. It’s not rocket science to see what kind of person could be attracted to and affirmed by such a leadership position. Ambitious competitiveness in ministry is the very worldly wisdom that James condemns. In this scenario, the servant-leadership model of Jesus is easily left behind.

If ever there was proof of the need for a New Reformation in the church, this is it.

Cronyism and self-interest can be potent factors, with few corrective checks and balances in place. Vested interests must be guarded. Closing-ranks to protect the institution is all too often the default position. Results-based evaluations can cover up malpractice. If a church looks like it’s flourishing, then it must be flourishing, right?

The consequences are devastating, but not always obvious from the outset. The true motivations of a leader’s heart are only gradually exposed. Congregations are prone to believe platform-based performances. Self-promotion is presented as the promotion of Christ. Manipulative behaviours operate beneath a veneer of benevolence. Ingratiation sets in and the popularity cult is underway – perfect conditions for dominance and authoritarianism to thrive.

Leaders, high on assertiveness and low on servant-hearted humility, soon begin to manifest abuse.

Those who see through the deception may refuse to participate in the charade, but they are soon dealt with. The order is clear. First intimidation, then isolation and finally exclusion. All this can happen with the acquiescence of those who ought to know better, but are too embroiled in the dispute to admit what is really taking place.

When things continue to regress, factions appear. Division sets in, with groups spiritually-warring one against the other. New alliances are struck with those for and those against a particular individual or group in open argument. And, all the while, our enemy rubs his hands in a demonic glee worthy of a mention by C.S. Lewis in his Screwtape Letters. There are no other victors. Church members are hit the worst. Caught in the crossfire, they become so disheartened that they simply vote with their feet. Many find it difficult to trust spiritual leaders after that.

Re-establishing peace in a troubled community will entail deep dependence on God. The only hope is for all concerned to embrace humility and repentance, and to return to the wisdom that is motivated by true spirituality. Then, and only then, disciples of Christ can grow, be fruitful and live healthy lives in a community truly ordered by the Holy Spirit.

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbour bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness (James 3:13-18, NIV).

Church Matters Series

CHURCH IS ABOUT COMMUNITY

Today, society is being divided into ever-increasing numbers of identity groups. This is part of a greater political agenda to sow seeds of discord and discontent in order to impose politically-correct agendas on us all.

In the midst of this confusion and chaos a dynamic and counter-cultural movement is on the rise. This is a movement of Christian communities committed to a more transcendent vision. That is the vision of Christ and his Kingdom. This is the only approach to church that can withstand these pressures coming from contemporary society.

Thankfully, more and more Christians are returning to the original vision of what church is all about. And that is sincere followers of Jesus from the whole of society gathering in true community where the focus is on a genuine relationship with God and one another.

CHURCH IS ABOUT PEOPLE

Church is not about top-down, tightly-controlled structures which tend toward authoritarianism. It is about Spirit-filled people serving one another and their neighbours in the wider community.

Many traditional churches still follow a broken model of ministry that is:

• Platform-led
• Personality-driven
• Performance-oriented
• Programme-based

But more and more believers today are rejecting the superficial in favour of the genuinely-spiritual, the heart of Christian life and fellowship. They see themselves not just as pew-fodder but as an active community of spiritually-connected members of Christ’s body where he is the only attraction.

Together in true Christian community, they take responsibility to build one another up and to represent Christ to the world. They do not idolise human leaders or human church structures but focus on their role as salt and light in society. They follow church leaders who draw attention away from themselves toward Christ and his mission in the world.

Churches and denominations are being shaken today. This is a fresh opportunity for us all to build our lives and our churches on the vision of Christ. We are under pressure from society to conform to the patterns of the world. Therefore, we must focus on Jesus, not on those who try to take his place. We are called to follow the Holy Spirit, not the fleshly impositions of human beings.

It is time for us all to seriously engage with what it truly means to be and to do church in the world of today.

Church Matters Series

When you look at this picture, what do you see? Look again, carefully.

Obviously, it’s a glass filled to overflowing. That’s positive, surely? “My cup overflows”, said David, the one-time shepherd boy who became one of the most celebrated kings in Ancient Israel. God pours his abundant blessing upon his children even beyond their capacity to receive. For me, this is a reminder that I should do everything I can to enlarge my personal capacity and be trusted by God for what I do receive. If I continue to overflow, it ought to be for the benefit of others. In that sense, having more than enough for myself is a good thing.

But that is not what drew me to this image in the first place. It highlights a serious problem I have observed and personally experienced in church life. And that’s the way God is being limited to the size and shape of the human structures we give him to work with.

Jesus spoke of the need for new wineskins for the new wine of the Kingdom. The old, fragile and brittle structures of the religion of his day were totally incapable of containing what Jesus had come to inaugurate. To attempt to re-use old wineskins for the wine of the new season is not only an inadequate response, it is also tragic. In Jesus’ analogy, the wine bottles made from animal skins were useful only once. Old wineskins already stretched to capacity, simply could not contain the new vintage that expanded during the maturing process. They would simply burst and the wine would be lost.

Despite this warning from the lips of Jesus, every generation seems to make the same mistake. We think the organisational structures we build to contain the Holy Spirit are sacrosanct. We treat them as ever-enduring. Perhaps they once were adequate containers as we attempted to steward a particular move of the Spirit. But they are never more valuable than the wine itself.

Structures are important. There’s no escaping them. It’s our responsibility to build them. But it is also our responsibility to make sure that they do not limit what God has given and what God is doing.

If, at any point in time, we discover our structures cannot handle the greater things, or the newer things God is introducing, it is time to change them. This applies to what God is doing through individual ministries as well as through corporate bodies such as church communities and denominational organisations.
I have seen great ministries curtailed or worse, destroyed simply because the structures that were imposed upon them were wholly inadequate. History is also a testimony to previously dynamic movements becoming empty and dead monuments for the same reason.

It is time to stop trying to contain the work of the Holy Spirit. God is on the move and we must move with him.

Church Matters Series