My previous blog When Leaders Are Too Empathic examined what happens when leaders take empathy too far. Now, I ask, ‘What do empaths and narcissists have in common?’

What if I told you that narcissistic behaviour and exaggerated empathy are merely different forms of the same root problem? On the surface, this seems highly unlikely, even impossible. Empaths are kind, narcissists are not. Empaths care deeply about the predicament of others, narcissists care only in order to further their personal ambitions. Empaths are yielding, narcissists are dominating.

Narcissism in its developed forms (such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder), has many causes. The same could be said for those who are excessively empathic. Psychologists are still figuring it out. But, as is often the case, the fruit reveals the root.

Narcissists present as confident persons – too confident in fact. They see themselves as highly competent and intelligent people, vastly superior to others. They are quick-witted, always ready with a cutting retort or a gas-lighting response. Their instant responses are effective in wrong-footing their opponents and demolishing those who are less ruthless, more self-reflective and just not so nasty.

Highly-developed empaths, on the other hand, lack confidence and are inclined to give others the benefit of the doubt to the detriment of themselves. What others say is more important than their own opinions. All this makes those with strong empathic traits easy prey for narcissistic snares.
Take a look at the following conversation between a narcissist and an empath in a conflict situation.

NARCISSCIST – “What you’re saying is just wrong. You’re accusations are false.”
EMPATH – “I’m not accusing you. I’m just saying that you’re actions seem to me to be unreasonable.”
NARCISSCIST – “I’m not responsible for what you’re thinking. That’s down to you.”

What is happening here? The empath is trying to confront unacceptable behaviour coming from the narcissist. The response is not fair or rational. The narcissist is right and no other version of events is worth considering.

The empath is being gentle and reasonable. But, rather than responding in an equally reasonable way, the narcissist exploits this as a weakness. The narcissist has the facts and cannot be contradicted. Any other point of view is just subjective opinion. After all, the narcissist can never be wrong. To be wrong is to risk an existential crisis. That’s why narcissists must win every argument and are totally unscrupulous in debate. Those who threaten their supremacy are immediately repudiated and their arguments scornfully dismissed.

Narcissists have a wide range of other ready-made and equally gas-lighting responses. What’s more, they relish interaction with empaths. They view them as psychological snack food, a cheap source of energy for an instant ego boost.

Above-the-surface we observe two entirely different patterns of behaviour coming from two distinctive personalities. But when we look more deeply, we begin to see a striking similarity.

The roots of both narcissistic and exaggerated empathic behaviours are exactly the same. It has to do with fear. The deeply-held fear or suspicion of being personally unlovable and/or incompetent. How this fundamental fear is dealt with practically, determines either narcissistic or empathic patterns of behaviour. At both ends of the spectrum we find people with serious relational problems.

The empath’s fear of having no real worth as a person leads to a life of excessive niceness and consideration of others. He or she is trying to find self-worth by being affirmed by others. On the other hand, the narcissist deals with the same fear by hiding behind a bold exterior front framed by excessive self-confidence and self-belief. The fear is denied and therefore never faced.

Both narcissism and excessive empathy are learned strategies of psychological compensation, never dealing with the fundamental fear of lack of self-worth.

We all have the same propensity to love and defend our ‘self-life’. This is obvious in narcissism. But the irony is that a person who exhibits excessive empathy may be as self-obsessed as the proverbial narcissist.

This presents particular problems for leaders in a church setting. How do we deal with the problem of narcissism in the pulpit? How do we help those on the other side of the coin who are slaves of niceness?

Self-evidently, we must be on our guard against narcissism. This form of ambition, not to mention ruthlessness, often leads to outward success, provided the public presentations skillfully cover the real personality lurking beneath. But not all successful church leaders are of the narcissistic type. Many advance by being empathic and shining as beacons of compassion, despite the underlying selfish motivation.

A person who exhibits excessive empathy may be as self-obsessed as the proverbial narcissist.

Tackling these problems in church leadership begins with selection and training, which must be based in radical discipleship. I contend that more inner work is needed from the very beginning of the discipleship process. It calls for insightful analysis and healthy soul-searching in the context of a biblical understanding of human personality.

Jesus, the supreme wisdom teacher in the Bible says,

“Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it” (Luke 9:24, ESV).

Jesus calls his followers to a God-centred rather than a self-centred orientation in life. It can only happen from the inside out, from the transformation of our inner selves. Quite simply, we must lose our old selves and embrace our new selves, the selves we were originally created to be, which have now been recreated in Christ. All the ethical requirements of New Testament Christianity depend on this prior act of God’s inner recreation. Working this out in personality growth and behavioural change is a life-long agenda, but it begins the day we yield to Christ as Saviour and Lord.

Both narcissists and empaths need to renounce the self in a way they have never done before. Superficial conversion does not reach as deep as that, but this is where everything begins. We face the fact that we can do nothing to deserve God’s love or merit his acceptance. Rather than finding ways of compensating for this realisation, we must flee to Christ in whose eyes we are people of inestimable value and worth and, as new creations in Christ, empowered to live impactful lives. These biblical revelations must become deeply lodged in our hearts in life-changing and personality-transforming ways.

This does not mean we live without struggles. Profound personality issues are not easily resolved. But, once we see ourselves in Christ, we overcome our fear and can begin to reflect this reality beginning first with how we see God, then how we see ourselves and, finally, how we see others. We are set free from self-obsession and are ready to face life without the self aggrandisement of a narcissist or the self-suffocation that comes through adopting a life of exaggerated empathy.

Church Matters Series

Colin with Harare Cell Conference Delgates

The believers were emboldened and release after a time of feeling the oppressive weight of their circumstances and recent difficulties. There was a strong sense of unity and hunger for the freedom from structures and traditions that bind.

Word Life Ministries, Church, Hatfield, Harare

The Sunday morning service was held at the Hatfield centre where Word Life Ministries has a worship centre – basically a shed-like structure, as they wait on the Lord for his provision of a permanent building.

The Hatfield Church

The people are hungry for God and are holding firm despite many casualties of the Covid Lockdown. Many churches have lost members to other ministries and to the world. There is a sense of re-pioneering in the air.

The pastors, Chivimbisu and Clara Ngowe are stalwarts and filled with vision. They have next to no resources and the people they are reaching are poor, or without substantial income.

Colin, Bishop and Pastor Ngowe

Follow Up
A group has been formed of those wanting to develop the Cell Vision. They keep contact through WhatsApp and that is a vehicle we can use to provide on-going teaching and mentoring.

There is a need for the cell publications and other books helpful to the ministry. We must explore means of inexpensive transportation of bulk quantities of books. This is urgent.

They are already talking about another conference next year, and if I do respond to this desire, I would like to have a small team with me, so that we can diversify the sessions and perhaps do a mini encounter with the church.

PRAY FOR THIS ON-GOING MISSION

Join Colin, Amanda and Team for a powerful evening of ministry.

CHAOS, COSMOS & KINGDOM
A powerful prophetic and apostolic word for our season.
Plus Ministry in the Holy Spirit:
Healing
Prophecy
Intercession

YOU ARE RECEIVING A KINGDOM THAT CANNOT BE SHAKEN

Colin, Amanda & Ministry Team host an Apostolic & Prophetic Evening of Celebration and Ministry in the prestigious
Emmanuel Centre, Westminster

Seats are extremely limited, so guarantee your space and
Book your ticket today!
ONLY £5.00

When you look at this picture, what do you see? Look again, carefully.

Obviously, it’s a glass filled to overflowing. That’s positive, surely? “My cup overflows”, said David, the one-time shepherd boy who became one of the most celebrated kings in Ancient Israel. God pours his abundant blessing upon his children even beyond their capacity to receive. For me, this is a reminder that I should do everything I can to enlarge my personal capacity and be trusted by God for what I do receive. If I continue to overflow, it ought to be for the benefit of others. In that sense, having more than enough for myself is a good thing.

But that is not what drew me to this image in the first place. It highlights a serious problem I have observed and personally experienced in church life. And that’s the way God is being limited to the size and shape of the human structures we give him to work with.

Jesus spoke of the need for new wineskins for the new wine of the Kingdom. The old, fragile and brittle structures of the religion of his day were totally incapable of containing what Jesus had come to inaugurate. To attempt to re-use old wineskins for the wine of the new season is not only an inadequate response, it is also tragic. In Jesus’ analogy, the wine bottles made from animal skins were useful only once. Old wineskins already stretched to capacity, simply could not contain the new vintage that expanded during the maturing process. They would simply burst and the wine would be lost.

Despite this warning from the lips of Jesus, every generation seems to make the same mistake. We think the organisational structures we build to contain the Holy Spirit are sacrosanct. We treat them as ever-enduring. Perhaps they once were adequate containers as we attempted to steward a particular move of the Spirit. But they are never more valuable than the wine itself.

Structures are important. There’s no escaping them. It’s our responsibility to build them. But it is also our responsibility to make sure that they do not limit what God has given and what God is doing.

If, at any point in time, we discover our structures cannot handle the greater things, or the newer things God is introducing, it is time to change them. This applies to what God is doing through individual ministries as well as through corporate bodies such as church communities and denominational organisations.
I have seen great ministries curtailed or worse, destroyed simply because the structures that were imposed upon them were wholly inadequate. History is also a testimony to previously dynamic movements becoming empty and dead monuments for the same reason.

It is time to stop trying to contain the work of the Holy Spirit. God is on the move and we must move with him.

Church Matters Series

Jesus said, “he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him.” This aspect of God’s love is conditional.

God’s Rewarding Love

This blog series ends with one final aspect of God’s love – his rewarding love. We have seen that God unconditionally set his love upon everyone he created. The blessings of God’s ongoing Providential love rest unconditionally upon all humanity, without exception. He also demonstrated his Invitational love by sending Christ to die for the sins of the world, so that whosoever believes may have eternal life. In this way, God’s Saving love is conditional upon us opening up and receiving his love.

God has also established relationship with his people through what we call his Covenantal love. The initiative his entirely his, but to enjoy the blessings of the covenant we must respond with believing loyalty and obedience. This aspect is clearly conditional.

The answer to the question, “Is God’s love conditional or unconditional?”, is that it’s both. Both elements apply to God’s Rewarding love. God’s prior love of his people is unconditional. He chose to set his love on us without any precondition or merit on our part. But to enjoy the rewards of this love we must sincerely respond to it. Having received God’s love simply by faith, we go on to enjoy the blessings of relationship with him by being faithful to him in all things.

Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.”  Judas (not Iscariot) said to him, “Lord, how is it that you will manifest yourself to us, and not to the world?” Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. Whoever does not love me does not keep my words. And the word that you hear is not mine but the Father’s who sent me ( John 14:21-24 ESV).

Loving obedience to God brings the promise of increasing intimacy and proximity to him. He dwells with the faithful, manifesting himself to us, and not to the world. This is why people who do not yet know Jesus sometimes find it difficult to believe God really loves them. 

Maybe you have prayed to God asking him to bless your health, your job, your relationships or your finances. But when things don’t work out as you want, you immediately doubt his love.

The secondary things of life are never the measure of God’s love. Those who truly give themselves to Christ and long for more of him will naturally pursue him and seek to please him in all things. That’s the proper response to God’s love. The most precious love we can offer God is to trust him in all circumstances of life. 

Bad things sometimes happen to good people and good things to bad people. Therefore, God’s love and displeasure are not easily discerned through our circumstances. He disciplines those he loves. The love of God is never removed from his people, but it can be restrained. If we displease the Lord, his response is one of rebuke and chastening. He restrains but never removes his love. 

However, God’s reward and blessing is with those who fear him. The Lord rewards those who diligently seek him, walking in his wisdom. And the ultimate reward is the gift of himself.

’Till death us do part

God’s covenant love means he is totally committed to his people. As with any agreement there are promises made, conditions to fulfil and consequences if these are not met.

‘Covenant’ is a slightly old-fashioned word, but is still widely used today.  It’s another word for a contract, a legal agreement. For example, two parties agree to supply and pay for certain goods and services. The contract lists the specific benefits and responsibilities for each person included in its terms and conditions.

Marriage, is also a covenant, a formal, public and binding agreement. In biblical terms, marriage is linked to procreation and therefore can only be made between those inherently capable of having children, that is, a biological man and a biological woman (with the presumption that both will fully identify with their biological sex). Circumstances such as age, infertility or other conditions that preclude a heterosexual married couple from having children does not negate the basic binary nature of biological sex. The point is that Christian marriage upholds these categories which inherently include the capacity to be fruitful and multiply.

In many nations, the civic definition of marriage has recently been changed to include people of the same sex. The principal reason given for this change is to provide equality under the (secular) law for LGBTQi+ people. Christian believers consider marriage to be a sacred bond as revealed in the Bible. Wider society does not share this perspective, however, secular marriage remains legally binding.

The sanctity of biblical marriage is held in extremely high esteem. This is due to the parallels between God’s relationship with his people and the marriage between a man and a woman. Marriage is a picture (some would argue a sacramental picture) of the gender specific relationship between a man and a woman in marriage. Our relationship with God is also defined in gender specific terms, a male Groom who is Christ and a female Bride incorporating all God’s covenant people.

Earthly marriage is ’till death us do part, whereas God’s covenant with his people endures after death when the divine-human relationship will be consummated. 

The terms of this covenant are clear. God takes the initiative and confers his covenant love upon us, pledging himself in divine faithfulness. Believing loyalty is our response to God’s covenant love as we, in turn, pledge to remain faithful to him. He loves us eternally and remains forever faithful. But we must also be faithful to him. This conditional element really matters to God and he holds us responsible for keeping our pledge. 

So, we see that God’s covenant love is conditional. Not in absolute terms, because God will never leave or forsake us. But the degree to which we enjoy his covenant love and blessing does depend on our continued believing loyalty to him.

This is linked to God’s rewarding love which is the subject of the next and final blog in this series.

Does God accept everyone?

Judas betrayed Jesus and was rejected. Peter denied Jesus and was accepted. If God loves everyone unconditionally then why doesn’t accept everyone unconditionally?

This blog series looks at the love of God and asks, “Is it unconditional or conditional?” So far we have seen two aspects of God’s love which are entirely unconditional: God’s providential care for his creation and his unlimited offer of salvation to all those far from him.

Now we look at his conditional love – the love he gives to those who turn to him in repentance and faith. This is his saving love. You need to receive this love in order to experience it. God freely offers his salvation to everyone, but only those who receive it can experience it.

This idea comes from the second part of the most famous verse in the Bible. Notice the emphasis I have added to the text:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, so that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life! (John 3:16).

I’ve heard many people object to this condition:

You mean that God loves me but will throw me into hell if I don’t love him back? He demands that I bow down to him and worship him or else he will reject me forever? That’s not love, that’s megalomania!

Christians who struggle to explain the conditionality of God’s saving love often become universalists. They believe that love will win in the end, or at least their version of love. No one will be lost. All will be saved.

I understand why people would want to believe that. But the problem is that this kind of thinking ignores the condition Jesus himself set for receiving eternal life. Sadly, some people do reject Christ’s saving love and they will perish. But everyone who does sincerely turn to him will receive eternal life.

The difference between those who receive eternal life and those who perish is simple. People in the first group accept Christ’s offer of salvation by trusting him and depending on his sacrificial death on the cross. Those from the other group do not trust Christ. They stay as they are, trusting in themselves, their own good works, or their own philosophy of life.

The problem with the weak view of God’s love is that it ignores his holy and righteous character. He loves in a completely holy and righteous way. That’ why Jesus had to die for our sins. It was the only way God’s loving justice could be satisfied. Sin which breaks relationship with God must be removed, first by Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross for our sins, and second by receiving the benefits of his death for our lives personally. We abandon our rebellious lifestyle and embrace his saving love.

But why isn’t everyone automatically saved? Didn’t Jesus die for all humanity and atone for the sins of all? The answer is that Jesus died for all, but his death is only effective for those who believe. You need to transfer your trust from yourself to Christ. You must stop trusting your own opinions, your own good deeds and your good ideas. You need to put your trust in what Jesus alone has accomplished for you.

If you are travelling from London to Edinburgh by rail, you actually have to get on the train in order to arrive at your destination. The same is true of Christ, you need to commit to him if you want to go where he alone can take you.

Don’t forget love is relational. You cannot love in isolation. Just as in human relationships, there is always another person involved. If you love someone dearly and they reject you in favour of someone else, the loving thing to do is to let them go. No matter how much it hurts you, you respect the choice they have made. If you don’t, you are robbing them of their right to choose. Jesus’ love for you means he will always respect your choice to accept his love or to reject it.

Why was Judas rejected and Peter accepted? Both were wrong in how they treated Jesus. Judas never accepted Jesus’ offer of salvation. He never wanted that kind of relationship with Christ. Peter did. He denied that he knew Jesus on the night he was arrested, just as Jesus had predicted. But immediately, he knew that he had sinned against the deep connection he had with the Lord. This led him to repent and come back to the place of simple trust and obedience.

The Sinner’s Prayer:

‘Father God, thank you for sending Jesus to be my Saviour. I put my trust in his death on the cross for me, and I thank you that you raised him from the dead so that I can get to know him personally.  I now turn from my sin and receive your love and forgiveness. Thank you for making me a child of God.’

Let somebody know if you have just prayed the prayer above sincerely and from the heart. Share the good news!

You’re invited!

God’s invitational love is totally unconditional. It is the most inclusive love that has ever existed. He offers his love to people of all races, generations, beliefs, social standing, sexual orientation, or any other distinguishing factor.

Your child has been missing for 8 months. And still you look for him at the gate, every moment of every day. With each knock at the door, each buzz on your phone, your heart stops. Is that news? Has he been found?

Your friends, your neighbours, your family, even the police, warn you to expect the worst. Still you wait. Still you hope. You long for your son with an unbearable longing.

Love, pure love and, when it comes down to it, heart-sickening love is never more intense than when the one you love is missing from you. Maybe never again to be with you. What parents go through in such situations is unimaginable.

Take that pain and multiply it by a gazillion. Maybe then you might touch the surface of the unfathomably profound longing God has for you.

He has been called ‘the Hound of Heaven’ whose passionate pursuit of you is incessant. The ‘Furious Longing’ deeply desiring you, like the waves of a raging storm relentlessly beating against the rock of your resistance.

Stronger than the love of the most ardent lover. Purer than the love of the most devoted parent. More zealous than the most passionate paramour.

Jerusalem, O Jerusalem how often I would have gathered you as a hen gathers her chicks.
I died for you with my arms outstretched. Can you not feel my love reaching out to you?
Child of my love, I long for you with intense longing.
Can you not see it’s me your heart truly longs for?
Sons of Adam, where are you? Daughters of Eve, what has happened to you?
Come back home!
I’ve made everything ready for you.

God loves you more than any lover, more than a mother, a father or a brother, and more than your closest friend. But he is not dependent on you. There is no weakness in him and nothing lacking in him. He loves you because he loves you, not because he needs to. And he will never force his love on you.

Sin breaks relationship with God. But he has gone to infinite pains to open the way back. The most famous verse in the Bible says,
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, so that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life! (John 3:16).

Jesus’ death was not merely an example to follow, or a martyrdom to marvel at. Much more than a personal statement, it was the ultimate expression of unconditional love.
However, a holy God, no matter how much he longs for humanity, cannot deny his own righteousness. To bring us back to him, a price had to be paid that would satisfy both his justice and his love.

At the cross, Jesus stood in our place and died the death we deserved to die. He willingly took our punishment and, as God in the flesh, there was no third party involved. Just God and us.

Christ died for sinners and he invites us all to turn to him and receive his love. Today, he is earnestly reaching out to you through his invitational love. How do you respond?

God is Love

God loves infinitely. That means he loves fully, passionately, vehemently, intensely, unfailingly and eternally.

David Bennett came out to his parents as gay when he was 14 and entered Sydney’s active gay community a few years later. 

In A War of Loves, he shares his growing desire as a gay rights activist to see justice for LGBTQI people, his journey through new age religions and French existentialism, and his university years as a postmodernist – before Jesus Christ showed up in his life in a highly unexpected way, leading him down a path he never would have imagined or predicted.

David had believed he was disqualified from God’s love until he encountered that for himself in Jesus Christ.

David Bennett’s life was outwardly stable, secure in the love and acceptance of both his parents. But inwardly, he was broken, searching for a deeper meaning than his life-style and relationships were able to provide. One day a friend asked him in a pub in downtown Sydney, “David have you ever experienced the love of God?” She prayed for him then and there. David speaks of the overwhelming, transcendent love of God he experienced in those moments, a love that transformed him. Now, he identifies as a celibate Christian. Still campaigning for justice, he spreads the message of God’s love everywhere he goes.

Perhaps the best definition of human well-being and flourishing is the ability to love well, to give and to receive love.

God is Love
God’s love is eternal. But how was the love of God expressed when there were no created beings whom he could love, or who could respond to him? 

The answer leads to the Trinity, which is the word we use to describe the three-in-one nature of the One God. This is not some super-analytical theological abstraction, but holds the secret of what love is. God, by very nature, is an infinitely loving and infinitely relational being. The Father loves the Son, the Son loves the Father, and the Holy Spirit is the dynamic Spirit of love.

In the Trinity, we glimpse what love is: reaching out to connect with, to delight in and to honour another. That’s how the members of the Trinity behave toward one another. And of course, the perfect unity of God ensures the perfect harmony of love, fully expressed and fully received. This is the eternal model of love.

The unconditional nature of Trinitarian love
The Father’s Love for the Son, and the Son’s Love for the Father are unconditional, an expression of the very nature of God himself. The Son’s obedience to the Father is not the condition upon which the Father loves the Son, but the consequence of both the Son’s Love of the Father and the Father’s love of the Son. That love is an expression of the very nature of God, who is ultimate reality.

God’s love is preeminent
All that God created is an expression of his love and saturated with it. If only we could discern it. He never does anything, and has never done anything unloving. Even when we think of God’s justice and judgement, we must know these things are an expression of God’s love – his love for truth, for righteousness, for the created order, and for all humanity. In everything, God upholds his glory and acts for the good of the beings he created to inhabit his world.  

But what is love, exactly?
The word ‘love’ is better understood as a verb, not as an abstract noun. A verb is an action word, a ‘doing’ word. So how do we know what love is? By watching what love does, especially God’s love in action. He created us and he loves us because he chose to love us. This love continues even after humanity chose to disobey him, turning away from the only source of light, life and love. God proved his on-going love by sending Jesus to be the one sacrifice that can take away our sin. God’s love, once received, becomes the driving force of our love as imitators of the Divine. 

We love because he first loved us (1 John 4:19, ESV).